Yesterday at service, I was reminded of the fear I have in me. I've never really spoken much about it, but I realised it for months now. This fear of being too close to Him, knowing Him too much.
I know this sounds ridiculous, especially after how much I've said I love Him. But this fear is real.
This will probably make it more relatable:
Say you're a student, and you've started to learn Math for years. For every topic you start learning, you put in a lot of time to practice, so that you understand it inside out. You prepare and get exposed to the different types of questions for this certain topic throughout the year before the final test/exam. Because of the exposure you've had, because of the amount of time you've invested, you know fully well how to tackle them.
BUT, your teacher also knows fully well that you're getting better. So, she poses a new higher level/challenging question each time she assesses that you've gotten better. And because they're new challenging questions, you fail, get discouraged. Well, that's me. spiritually.
I've been a christian for years now. I feel like every time i go closer to Him, He knows I'm strengthened, so He allows the devil to pose me a new trial :( And I'm at this stage where I wished I was not strong at all, so I don't face these new challenges. so I can just do the 'lower level questions' and ace at them.
I know, I know. The voice inside me tells me too. That He will not allow it if it's not something I cannot handle. But when you've gotten pretty high up there spiritually, the sacrifice is going to be greater. Maybe I will be able to handle it, but it's going to take A LOT to do it. part of me just wish that I don't even have to be in that situation to make these tough decisions/sacrifices at all.
Then as I struggle, another voice inside of me asks, what makes you think it'll always be a sacrifice? Don't you believe that God wants the best for you? Do you not remember that He loves you too?
BUT, as I get closer to you God, the enemy is infuriated. He won't leave me alone, he is going to go crazy on me.....
And then another voice inside me tells me but God is with you.... This battle between you and the devil is also between God and him. Do you not know who will win it?
P.S. this is how I struggle with God. I question Him but he always answers, always. It's just whether I'm able to surrender and trust Him completely.. I love these struggle though... Because as I struggle, at least I'm communicating with Him. Because I'm communicating, He always turns up 💕 This is my God
But God, I'm still afraid :(
I know this sounds ridiculous, especially after how much I've said I love Him. But this fear is real.
This will probably make it more relatable:
Say you're a student, and you've started to learn Math for years. For every topic you start learning, you put in a lot of time to practice, so that you understand it inside out. You prepare and get exposed to the different types of questions for this certain topic throughout the year before the final test/exam. Because of the exposure you've had, because of the amount of time you've invested, you know fully well how to tackle them.
BUT, your teacher also knows fully well that you're getting better. So, she poses a new higher level/challenging question each time she assesses that you've gotten better. And because they're new challenging questions, you fail, get discouraged. Well, that's me. spiritually.
I've been a christian for years now. I feel like every time i go closer to Him, He knows I'm strengthened, so He allows the devil to pose me a new trial :( And I'm at this stage where I wished I was not strong at all, so I don't face these new challenges. so I can just do the 'lower level questions' and ace at them.
I know, I know. The voice inside me tells me too. That He will not allow it if it's not something I cannot handle. But when you've gotten pretty high up there spiritually, the sacrifice is going to be greater. Maybe I will be able to handle it, but it's going to take A LOT to do it. part of me just wish that I don't even have to be in that situation to make these tough decisions/sacrifices at all.
Then as I struggle, another voice inside of me asks, what makes you think it'll always be a sacrifice? Don't you believe that God wants the best for you? Do you not remember that He loves you too?
BUT, as I get closer to you God, the enemy is infuriated. He won't leave me alone, he is going to go crazy on me.....
And then another voice inside me tells me but God is with you.... This battle between you and the devil is also between God and him. Do you not know who will win it?
P.S. this is how I struggle with God. I question Him but he always answers, always. It's just whether I'm able to surrender and trust Him completely.. I love these struggle though... Because as I struggle, at least I'm communicating with Him. Because I'm communicating, He always turns up 💕 This is my God
But God, I'm still afraid :(
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