I went back to reading today.

I went back to reading today.

For a long time, i stopped reading. I know how much it helps my walk, how much encouragement it gives, how much strength i get, and how much love i have and will receive.
But i just stopped. I know it will distance me. But deep down I actually wanted the distance from God.

Truthfully, since moe rejection, ive been scarred and alittle traumatised by the devil. How he really comes in to kinda destroy my dreams and hopes (whether temporary or not) just because I got close to God (or so i thought).

I mean ive always known that the devil hates it when people get close to Him. He does sneaky little things to tempt, or draw you away from Him. But i never felt so scared about it. I always had a 'come at me' mentality. Not knowing what's really in stored.

But this time I'm frightened. I'm frightened that when I get close to Him, the devil takes away something from me again to test my faith. I'm frightened to lose something i love, something dear to me. I'm frightened of the surprises that the devil brings. I'm really frightened. Where I am spiritually, I'm so not ready.

I thought that when I was close to God for quite a long while, the closeness would turn to years. I was excited for the growth. I thought the love I had for God that's within me was nearly humanly perfect (ya, im kinda laughing at the thought of it now but i really thought so). I felt like with the faith i had I could defeat trials. But i was so wrong.

Ive come to realise the dearest things in my life, im still not willing to submit and surrender to Him just yet. I'm still not ready to praise and rejoice for all that i have despite things being taken away. I still grieve about my loss while the blessings in other areas flow.

I'm so ashamed to say but I actually only loved Him when I received blessings I wanted.

But we all are the same arent we? Well maybe most of us. We only love when we get what we want. If we dont gain anything from it, what's the point really? 

But when I picked up the book again today, I was reminded of how real God is. And if this God is so real.. I should fight this spiritual battle and conquer my fears. 

The last time I read, i stopped in the middle of the chapter. And today when I picked it up again, it was all about the distance from God. Or how I interpreted it to be. 

Ps Steven Furtick talked about how when he was young he played nintendo and the times when he advanced to the end of a certain level, he loses it and all the effort and hours would be wasted. The same frustration I felt about me spending so much time with God and hoping I reached a certain level of spirituality and moving forward until i hit spiritual low and have to start all over again. But he reminded me that by God's grace, we simply go back and identify where we've gotten off track, where we've lost it, where we've fallen.

"God is a master of recovering that which is lost. But He expects us to cooperate with Him as the lead member of His search and rescue team. It's our responsibility to evaluate the situation, pray about what's going on. And by grace and power of God, reach out and pick up the axe head. Get back to swinging. Such a simple process that have the most profound impact." - I completely quote

How timely can this be. I mean seriously. Time and time again, God comes at the perfect situations. He really relentlessly chases and never stops, doesnt He. He's really a stubborn One that never gives up, isnt He.

This relentless love touches me all the time. "OK GOD. I HEAR YOU"

I will try to come back believing my God knows every desire of my heart and protects them for my good. I will submit to Him my fears and worries believing that the peace that transcends all understanding will guard my heart. I will commit to communicating with Him daily believing my God battles with me especially when I'm weak. I will choose to remember love, mercies, and grace shown to me and not hold on to the things of the earth that will pass away, too tightly. 

I know it's all words and I'm just SIMPLY SAYING. I'm also not trying to act like someone with full of faith here - who am I really talking to here anyway. & in fact, right now, I'm speaking with so little faith.

But the words we speak have power. Choose to believe and have faith. Speak life into circumstance. Being bitter and fearful is easy but choose joy. And all we need is faith of a mustard seed isnt it.

P.S.
If you're thinking that by professing that God is real, I should be able to understand all of Him, I should be able to stand right back up, I should be able to withstand all temptations... let me just say, christians all have our moments. Moments when we are uncertain because faith is believing in things unseen. But we trust that the little things that God has revealed to us and will continue revealing because they're the proof that He is the living God.