Had one of the worst weeks last week (now I feel like this sentence is overused, every month seemed to have a worst week). I was feeling the pressure of doing everything perfectly as I enter my 4th month. I knew this day would come, where people's patience for me would run out and I need to up my game to the next level asap. I was dreading it.
I struggled so much with the thought of perfection - I struggled to see how the expectation was reasonable, I just couldnt accept it. Perfection is completely beyond me, beyond anyone's ability. I had accepted that I was imperfect long ago. Imperfectly loved.
Then God put a thought in my mind about people in certain industries where mistakes are intolerable - brokers, doctors, even chefs to dish out certain standard of food quality. that I wasnt alone & the only one with that expectation of making no mistakes. that it wasnt afterall an unreasonable expectation, but common requirement.
But as usual, I thought that answer wasnt satisfactory enough - I continue to challenge Him. I was still wrestling with Him, I argued that I was still new and all.... I just gave myself many excuses for not being able to deliver what is expectated. I questioned that if I could do everything perfectly, efficiently, effectively, then I wouldnt have stayed because the learning cycle has come to an end... That this is afterall my first job, this is a job He opened the door to, so He should've known & warned me of. And it's so tough to remember everything I do daily (p.s. i hardly ever have time to rest at work. i'm working nearly every passing min, other than during lunch, so there's really incredibly large amount of information to remember).
But God just told me He had a plan, & I just had to persevere, to push through, to submit to authority & strive for excellence. To learn to strive to meet this expectation. He told me He wanted to train me in this area to prepare me for something He had in mind (something He didnt reveal, dk why I didnt really ask too). He told me this was going to be put into good use, once it becomes integrated into my life, to do everything perfectly & wonderfully. It was going to become something far greater than this.
I struggled so much with the thought of perfection - I struggled to see how the expectation was reasonable, I just couldnt accept it. Perfection is completely beyond me, beyond anyone's ability. I had accepted that I was imperfect long ago. Imperfectly loved.
Then God put a thought in my mind about people in certain industries where mistakes are intolerable - brokers, doctors, even chefs to dish out certain standard of food quality. that I wasnt alone & the only one with that expectation of making no mistakes. that it wasnt afterall an unreasonable expectation, but common requirement.
But as usual, I thought that answer wasnt satisfactory enough - I continue to challenge Him. I was still wrestling with Him, I argued that I was still new and all.... I just gave myself many excuses for not being able to deliver what is expectated. I questioned that if I could do everything perfectly, efficiently, effectively, then I wouldnt have stayed because the learning cycle has come to an end... That this is afterall my first job, this is a job He opened the door to, so He should've known & warned me of. And it's so tough to remember everything I do daily (p.s. i hardly ever have time to rest at work. i'm working nearly every passing min, other than during lunch, so there's really incredibly large amount of information to remember).
But God just told me He had a plan, & I just had to persevere, to push through, to submit to authority & strive for excellence. To learn to strive to meet this expectation. He told me He wanted to train me in this area to prepare me for something He had in mind (something He didnt reveal, dk why I didnt really ask too). He told me this was going to be put into good use, once it becomes integrated into my life, to do everything perfectly & wonderfully. It was going to become something far greater than this.
Life will give us too much, but the promise is in the midst of it. God is faithful to meet us in the mess and in the pain.He also made me see how spoiled to be brought up in an environment where people are more loving, forgiving and understanding towards mistakes, where I just expect everyone to be tolerant irregardless - something I need to grow out of. So even though I face impatient people now & then about my work progress, I thank them to a certain extent. Because I know it stresses me & pushes me to go beyond my limits. Trust me, I'm trying. I'm stressing out, pressurised, worried. I'm feeling all of it. I wished I could still say "give me time". But I know time is running out. I just pray everyday that the day I do everything perfectly, efficiently & effectively will come sooner than I think, and it'll be acknowledged.
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